【新山律师版权所有】

说到婚姻中的“第三者”，很多人第一时间想到的，都是丈夫或妻子在外面的情人。

但是根据我们过去接触婚姻纠纷的观察，真正慢慢介入夫妻生活的“第三者”，不一定是另一个男人或女人。

它也可能是：

1. 一台从不离手的手机；
2. 一份占据所有时间的工作；
3. 一个让人沉迷的网络游戏；
4. 不愿改变的个人思维；
5. 没有界线的原生家庭；
6. 没有向配偶坦白的债务。

这些“无形第三者”不会突然出现，而是慢慢占据夫妻之间原本属于沟通、陪伴、信任和责任的位置。

等到双方发现问题时，婚姻可能已经只剩下埋怨、怀疑和疲惫。

第一个第三者：秘密发展的感情

科技让人与人之间的距离越来越近，也让婚姻以外的感情更容易开始。

一段关系未必从见面开始，也可能只是：

“随便聊聊。”

“只是普通朋友。”

“对方比较了解我。”

“我没有做什么，我们只是每天联系。”

但是，当一个人开始：

1. 刻意删除聊天记录；
2. 隐瞒对方身份；
3. 避开配偶接听电话；
4. 每天期待与某人联系；
5. 把婚姻问题全部告诉对方；
6. 与对方分享比配偶更多的生活细节；
7. 明知道配偶会介意，仍然秘密维持联系；

这段关系即使还没有发展到身体接触，也可能已经逐渐取代配偶原本的位置。

真正需要问的不是：“我们有没有见面？”

而是：“为什么这段关系必须瞒着配偶？”

第二个第三者：您的手机

现代人经常机不离手。

吃饭看手机、睡前看手机、起床先看手机，夫妻坐在同一张沙发上，却各自生活在不同的世界。

手机本身没有错，问题在于我们是否把最清醒、最有精神的时间都交给了屏幕，只把疲惫和不耐烦留给家人。

感情需要时间培养。夫妻长期没有真正沟通，即使每天住在一起，也可能越来越陌生。

可以反问自己：

1. 配偶说话时，我是否仍然看着手机？
2. 我是否宁愿回复别人，也不愿回应配偶？
3. 我是否对手机设下不合理的秘密？
4. 没有手机时，我和配偶还有话可以说吗？

有时介入婚姻的不是手机里某一个人，而是手机本身。

第三个第三者：您的工作

努力工作、承担家庭开销，是一种责任。

但是，如果工作长期占据所有时间，家人只剩下等待，工作也可能成为婚姻中的第三者。

有些人认为：

“我拼命赚钱，还不是为了这个家？”

可是家人需要的，不一定只有房子、汽车和生活费。他们也需要陪伴、沟通和参与。

问题不在于工作忙，而是忙碌是否变成永久状态：

1. 总是错过孩子的重要时刻；
2. 回家以后完全不愿沟通；
3. 以工作为理由逃避家庭问题；
4. 把所有照顾责任交给配偶；
5. 只提供金钱，却从不参与家庭生活。

金钱可以支付生活开销，却不能自动修复已经疏远的关系。

第四个第三者：网络游戏与虚拟世界

网络游戏能够让人放松，也能带来社交和成就感。

但如果一个人沉迷其中，忘记自己在现实生活中还有配偶、孩子和家庭责任，游戏便可能成为婚姻中的第三者。

需要注意的警讯包括：

1. 为了游戏长期熬夜；
2. 因为被打扰而向家人发脾气；
3. 把家庭开销花在游戏中；
4. 拒绝参加家庭活动；
5. 与网络玩家发展秘密感情；
6. 对游戏投入的时间远远超过家人；
7. 因游戏影响工作、照顾孩子或偿还债务。

休闲不是错误，但不能以牺牲家庭责任为代价。

第五个第三者：拒绝改变的思维

一个人的思维，可能决定整个家庭的方向。

有些婚姻不是输给外人，而是输给以下想法：

“我永远不会错。”

“夫妻就应该听我的。”

“我是为了你好。”

“以前的人都是这样生活。”

“结了婚，对方就不会离开。”

“只要我赚钱，就已经尽了责任。”

当一个人坚持只有自己的想法才正确，不愿讨论，也不愿面对行为带来的后果，另一方只能不断退让。

婚姻需要原则，也需要调整。若每次都只有一个人牺牲，所谓的家庭稳定可能只是表面上的安静。

第六个第三者：没有界线的原生家庭

孝顺父母是一种美德，但孝顺不等于凡事都必须牺牲自己的婚姻。

结婚以后，一个人同时拥有子女、配偶和父母等不同身份。真正成熟的做法，不是选择父母或配偶其中一方，而是建立合理界线。

常见冲突包括：

1. 所有夫妻决定都必须先得到父母同意；
2. 把夫妻私事全部告诉原生家庭；
3. 父母批评配偶时从不制止；
4. 未与配偶商量便长期资助家人；
5. 要求配偶无条件配合自己的父母；
6. 每次争执都让家人介入和选边站；
7. 把配偶视为必须服从原生家庭的外人。

父母的意见可以参考，但婚姻中的重要决定，最终应由夫妻共同商量。

水往下流，并不代表我们应当忘记父母；而是成家以后，也必须保护自己正在建立的下一代家庭。

第七个第三者：没有坦白的债务

有些婚姻没有第三者，也没有严重感情问题，最后却被债务拖垮。

在追求大房、大车和更高生活水平时，人们很容易忽略自己的实际收入、还款能力和未来风险。

更危险的是，其中一方在配偶不完全知情的情况下：

1. 使用信用卡借款；
2. 申请个人贷款；
3. 投资不明平台；
4. 借钱给亲友；
5. 用房屋作为抵押；
6. 以配偶名义申请融资；
7. 要求配偶担任担保人；
8. 签署公司或贷款文件。

当债权人、银行或法律诉讼出现时，另一半才发现家庭已经背负无法承担的责任。

感情上的承诺不能取代法律文件。签署担保或贷款文件以前，应先了解：

1. 自己承担什么责任；
2. 借款人不付款时会有什么后果；
3. 是否可能影响个人产业和信用；
4. 自己有没有能力偿还整笔债务；
5. 是否需要先取得独立法律意见。

“夫妻之间不用算得这么清楚”，不应该成为要求配偶盲目签名的理由。

婚姻真正需要防守的，是位置被取代

判断某件事是否已经成为婚姻中的“第三者”，可以问自己：

1. 它是否占据了原本属于配偶和孩子的时间？
2. 我是否因为它而不断向配偶说谎？
3. 我是否把家庭责任全部推给另一半？
4. 我是否明知道配偶受伤，却不愿调整？
5. 它是否正在影响家庭财务？
6. 我是否必须删除记录或隐瞒真相？
7. 如果配偶做同样的事情，我能否接受？

真正破坏婚姻的，往往不只是某个人或某件事，而是长期的隐瞒、逃避和失去界线。

如果婚姻已经出现第三者，先不要做这些事

发现问题时，情绪激动是可以理解的，但请避免：

1. 在社交平台公开对方资料；
2. 把孩子拖入争执；
3. 威胁、骚扰或攻击相关人士；
4. 破坏对方财物；
5. 冒用账号或非法进入设备；
6. 转移、隐藏或毁坏家庭资产；
7. 删除可能相关的完整记录；
8. 一气之下签署自己不了解的协议。

公开羞辱可能令情况进一步失控，也可能影响孩子、家庭关系及日后的法律处理。

咨询新山婚姻律师前，可以准备什么？

如果问题已经涉及婚外关系、孩子、产业、债务或分居，可以整理：

1. 结婚证书；
2. 孩子的出生证明；
3. 房屋及贷款文件；
4. 银行、信用卡和债务记录；
5. 担保或公司文件；
6. 双方收入和家庭开销资料；
7. 完整的相关聊天记录；
8. 重要事件的日期和时间线；
9. 双方曾经作出的书面安排。

请通过合法方式保存自己有权取得的资料。不要破解密码、冒充他人或非法进入对方账号。

律师需要的是完整事实，而不是经过剪辑、只对其中一方有利的故事。

新山婚姻律师：法律咨询不等于鼓励离婚

发现婚姻中出现“第三者”，不代表唯一答案就是离婚。

如果双方仍然安全，也愿意坦白和改变，可以考虑重新建立界线、婚姻辅导、财务规划或共同解决问题。

但是，当事情已经涉及：

1. 长期婚外关系；
2. 隐瞒重大债务；
3. 未经同意处理家庭资产；
4. 要求配偶承担担保责任；
5. 争夺或利用孩子；
6. 威胁、骚扰或家庭暴力；
7. 双方已经无法安全沟通；

便应尽早了解自己的法律处境。

William Florence & Partners 为新山、柔佛及士古来一带面对婚姻与家庭纠纷的人士提供法律咨询。

对于非穆斯林婚姻，若双方最终决定离婚，相关程序须依据《1976年法律改革（婚姻及离婚）法令》及法院程序处理。除了婚姻是否继续，也可能需要一并考虑孩子、赡养费、婚姻资产、共同债务及住房安排。

真正负责任的法律意见，不是听完一方的故事便立即攻击另一方，而是先了解完整时间线、相关文件及双方实际面对的风险。

常见问题

Q1. 配偶经常与别人秘密聊天，可以直接证明婚外情吗？

未必。聊天内容、双方关系、完整背景及其他证据都需要一并考虑。不要只凭一张截图便假设已经能够证明所有事情。

Q2. 我怀疑配偶有第三者，可以检查他的手机吗？

应当注意隐私和取得资料的方式。不要破解密码、安装监控软件或冒用账号。可保存自己合法取得的资料，并向律师了解适当做法。

Q3. 配偶沉迷手机或游戏，可以作为离婚理由吗？

是否能够采取离婚程序，不是单凭“喜欢玩手机”或“经常打游戏”决定。需要评估有关行为是否已经严重影响婚姻，以及婚姻是否已破裂至无法挽回。

Q4. 配偶要求我替他的债务做担保，我必须同意吗？

不必。婚姻关系不代表您必须签署担保或贷款文件。签署后可能产生独立而重大的法律责任，应先了解文件内容和最坏后果。

Q5. 配偶把收入长期交给原生家庭，我可以反对吗？

夫妻可以支持各自父母，但若相关安排已经影响家庭生活、孩子或共同债务，双方应坦白讨论。涉及资产、贷款或法律责任时，可先寻求专业意见。

Q6. 找婚姻律师，是不是代表我已经决定离婚？

不是。咨询律师可以只是为了了解孩子、财产、债务及不同选择的风险。是否继续婚姻或采取法律程序，仍由当事人在掌握情况后决定。

结语

经营婚姻不是结婚当天完成的功课，而是每天都需要重新作出的选择。

不要让秘密关系、手机、工作、游戏、固执的思维、原生家庭或债务，慢慢取代配偶和孩子在生活中的位置。

很多婚姻并不是突然结束，而是在一次又一次的忽略、隐瞒和逃避中逐渐失去感情。

越早发现问题，越有机会作出清醒的决定。

总行 — Larkin（新山）
地址：No. 34-01, Jalan Idaman 2, Taman Larkin Idaman, 80350 Larkin, Johor
电话：07-226 6533 / 07-224 2277
传真：07-223 7722
WhatsApp：016-788 9176
电邮：william.lim@wfpartners.com.my

第二分行 — Southkey（新山）
地址：C-3-28, Block C, Pusat Komersial Bayu Tasek, Persiaran Southkey 1, 80150 Johor Bahru, Johor
电话：07-287 7925
电邮：florence.toh@wfpartners.com.my

第三分行 — Nusa Jaya Mas（士古来）
地址：15A, Jalan NJM 1/1, Taman Nusa Jaya Mas, 81300 Skudai, Johor
电话：07-559 2883
手机 / WhatsApp：016-800 6743
电邮：william.lim@wfpartners.com.my
网站：https://wfnpartners.com/

免责声明

本文仅用于一般公众醒觉，不构成针对任何个别案件的法律意见，也不代表出现文中任何一种情况便必然需要离婚。每段婚姻的事实、证据、财务状况及适用法律均可能不同。如需采取法律行动，请先向合资格律师取得正式意见。

如需专业的法律咨询或了解更多详情，请访问我们的官方网站： 👉 www.wfnpartners.com

The “Third Party” Damaging a Marriage Is Not Always Another Person

When people hear about a “third party” in a marriage, they usually think of a husband’s or wife’s extramarital partner.

However, based on our experience with matrimonial disputes, the “third party” that gradually intrudes into a couple’s life is not always another man or woman.

It may also be:

1. A mobile phone that is never put down;
2. A job that occupies all available time;
3. An addictive online game;
4. A personal mindset that refuses to change;
5. A family of origin without proper boundaries; or
6. Debts concealed from the spouse.

These “invisible third parties” do not appear suddenly. They gradually occupy the space within a marriage that should have been reserved for communication, companionship, trust and responsibility.

By the time both spouses recognise the problem, the marriage may be filled only with resentment, suspicion and exhaustion.

The First Third Party: A Secret Emotional Relationship

Technology has brought people closer together, but it has also made it easier for relationships outside a marriage to begin.

A relationship does not necessarily start with a physical meeting. It may begin with:

“We are just chatting casually.”

“We are only ordinary friends.”

“This person understands me better.”

“Nothing has happened. We simply communicate every day.”

However, when a person begins to:

1. Deliberately delete messages;
2. Conceal the other person’s identity;
3. Avoid answering calls in front of the spouse;
4. Look forward to communicating with that person every day;
5. Discuss every marital problem with that person;
6. Share more details of daily life with that person than with the spouse; or
7. Secretly continue the relationship despite knowing that the spouse would be concerned,

the relationship may already be gradually replacing the spouse’s original position, even if there has been no physical contact.

The real question is not:

“Have we met in person?”

It is:

“Why must this relationship be concealed from my spouse?”

The Second Third Party: Your Mobile Phone

Many people rarely put down their phones.

They use them while eating, before sleeping and immediately after waking. A couple may sit on the same sofa but live in entirely different worlds.

The mobile phone itself is not the problem. The question is whether we give our most alert and energetic hours to a screen while leaving only fatigue and impatience for our family.

A relationship needs time to develop. If spouses no longer communicate meaningfully, they may become increasingly unfamiliar with each other despite living in the same home.

Ask yourself:

1. Do I continue looking at my phone while my spouse is speaking?
2. Would I rather reply to someone else than respond to my spouse?
3. Do I maintain unreasonable secrecy concerning my phone?
4. If I had no phone, would my spouse and I still have anything to discuss?

Sometimes, the third party is not someone inside the phone. It is the phone itself.

The Third Third Party: Your Work

Working hard and providing for the family are important responsibilities.

However, if work continuously occupies all available time and the family is left waiting, it may become a third party in the marriage.

Some people say:

“I work so hard because of this family.”

However, a family may need more than a house, car and living expenses. Family members also need companionship, communication and participation.

The problem is not merely being busy. It is whether busyness has become permanent:

1. Repeatedly missing important moments in the children’s lives;
2. Refusing to communicate after returning home;
3. Using work as a reason to avoid family problems;
4. Leaving all caregiving responsibilities to the spouse; or
5. Providing money without participating in family life.

Money can pay the household expenses, but it cannot automatically repair an emotionally distant relationship.

The Fourth Third Party: Online Games and the Virtual World

Online games can provide relaxation, social interaction and a sense of achievement.

However, when a person becomes so absorbed in gaming that they forget their spouse, children and real-life family responsibilities, the game may become a third party in the marriage.

Warning signs include:

1. Regularly staying awake late into the night to play;
2. Becoming angry with family members when interrupted;
3. Spending household money on games;
4. Refusing to participate in family activities;
5. Developing secret emotional relationships with online players;
6. Spending considerably more time on games than with the family; or
7. Allowing gaming to affect work, childcare or debt repayments.

Recreation is not wrong, but it should not come at the expense of family responsibilities.

The Fifth Third Party: A Mindset That Refuses to Change

One person’s mindset can determine the direction of the entire family.

Some marriages are not defeated by an outsider but by beliefs such as:

“I am never wrong.”

“My spouse should listen to me.”

“I am doing this for your own good.”

“This is how people lived in the past.”

“We are married, so my spouse will never leave.”

“As long as I earn money, I have fulfilled my responsibility.”

When someone insists that only their views are correct, refuses to discuss problems and will not face the consequences of their conduct, the other spouse is left to compromise repeatedly.

Marriage requires principles, but it also requires adjustment. If only one spouse continually sacrifices, the apparent stability of the family may be nothing more than silence on the surface.

The Sixth Third Party: A Family of Origin Without Boundaries

Honouring one’s parents is a virtue, but it does not mean that the marriage must always be sacrificed.

After marriage, a person holds several roles—as a child, spouse and parent. Maturity does not require choosing between one’s parents and spouse. It requires establishing reasonable boundaries.

Common conflicts include:

1. Requiring parental approval for every marital decision;
2. Disclosing every private marital matter to the family of origin;
3. Never intervening when parents criticise the spouse;
4. Providing long-term financial support to relatives without discussing it with the spouse;
5. Expecting the spouse to comply unconditionally with the parents;
6. Asking family members to intervene and take sides whenever a disagreement arises; and
7. Treating the spouse as an outsider who must submit to the family of origin.

Parents’ opinions may be considered, but important marital decisions should ultimately be discussed and made by the spouses together.

Building the next generation does not mean forgetting one’s parents. It means that after establishing a new family, a person must also protect the family they are creating.

The Seventh Third Party: Undisclosed Debt

Some marriages involve no affair or serious emotional problem but are ultimately overwhelmed by debt.

While pursuing a larger house, a better car and a higher standard of living, people can easily overlook their actual income, repayment capacity and future risks.

The situation becomes more dangerous when one spouse, without the other’s full knowledge:

1. Borrows through credit cards;
2. Obtains personal loans;
3. Invests in an unknown platform;
4. Lends money to relatives or friends;
5. Uses the home as security;
6. Applies for financing in the spouse’s name;
7. Asks the spouse to act as guarantor; or
8. Signs company or financing documents.

The other spouse may discover that the family has assumed unaffordable liabilities only after creditors, banks or legal proceedings become involved.

Emotional promises cannot replace legal documents.

Before signing a guarantee or financing document, you should understand:

1. The responsibility you are assuming;
2. What will happen if the borrower fails to pay;
3. Whether your property and credit standing may be affected;
4. Whether you could repay the entire debt; and
5. Whether independent legal advice should first be obtained.

“We are husband and wife, so there is no need to calculate everything so carefully”

should never be used as a reason to pressure a spouse into signing blindly.

What a Marriage Must Protect Is the Position of the Spouse and Family

To determine whether something has become a “third party” in your marriage, ask yourself:

1. Is it occupying time that should belong to my spouse and children?
2. Am I repeatedly lying to my spouse because of it?
3. Have I transferred all family responsibilities to my spouse?
4. Do I know that my spouse is hurt but remain unwilling to adjust?
5. Is it affecting the family’s finances?
6. Must I delete records or conceal the truth?
7. Would I accept the same conduct from my spouse?

What damages a marriage is often not merely a particular person or activity. It is the prolonged concealment, avoidance and loss of boundaries surrounding it.

If a Third Party Has Entered the Marriage, Avoid These Actions

It is understandable to become emotional after discovering a problem. However, avoid:

1. Publishing the other person’s details on social media;
2. Involving the children in the dispute;
3. Threatening, harassing or attacking anyone involved;
4. Damaging another person’s property;
5. Impersonating someone online or unlawfully accessing a device;
6. Transferring, hiding or destroying family assets;
7. Deleting complete records that may be relevant; or
8. Impulsively signing an agreement that you do not understand.

Public humiliation may cause the situation to escalate and may affect the children, family relationships and any future legal proceedings.

What Should You Prepare Before Consulting a Johor Bahru Matrimonial Lawyer?

If the problem involves an extramarital relationship, children, property, debts or separation, consider organising:

1. The marriage certificate;
2. The children’s birth certificates;
3. Property and financing documents;
4. Bank, credit-card and debt records;
5. Guarantee or company documents;
6. Information concerning both parties’ income and household expenses;
7. Complete and relevant communication records;
8. The dates and timeline of important events; and
9. Written arrangements previously made by the parties.

Preserve only information that you are legally entitled to access. Do not crack passwords, impersonate another person or unlawfully access your spouse’s account.

A lawyer needs the complete facts—not an edited version designed to favour only one party.

Johor Bahru Matrimonial Lawyer: Legal Advice Does Not Mean Encouraging Divorce

The appearance of a “third party” in a marriage does not mean that divorce is the only possible answer.

If both spouses remain safe and are willing to be honest and make changes, they may consider rebuilding boundaries, marriage counselling, financial planning or jointly addressing the problem.

However, a person should understand their legal position as early as possible where the matter involves:

1. A long-term extramarital relationship;
2. Concealment of substantial debts;
3. Unauthorised dealings with family assets;
4. Pressure on a spouse to assume guarantee liabilities;
5. Disputes involving or manipulation of the children;
6. Threats, harassment or domestic violence; or
7. An inability to communicate safely.

William Florence & Partners provides legal advice to people facing matrimonial and family disputes in Johor Bahru, Skudai and elsewhere in Johor.

Where the parties to a non-Muslim marriage ultimately decide to divorce, the process must be conducted under the Law Reform (Marriage and Divorce) Act 1976 and the applicable court procedures.

In addition to deciding whether the marriage should continue, the parties may need to address the children, maintenance, matrimonial assets, joint debts and future housing arrangements.

Responsible legal advice does not involve listening to one party’s story and immediately attacking the other. It begins with understanding the complete timeline, reviewing the relevant documents and identifying the actual risks faced by both parties.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Can Secret Messages with Another Person Directly Prove an Affair?

Not necessarily.

The contents of the conversations, the nature of the relationship, the complete context and other evidence must be considered together. A single screenshot may not prove the entire allegation.

2. Can I Check My Spouse’s Phone if I Suspect an Affair?

You should consider privacy and the manner in which the information is obtained.

Do not crack passwords, install monitoring software or impersonate another person. Preserve information you have lawfully obtained and seek legal advice on the appropriate approach.

3. Can Addiction to a Phone or Online Games Be a Ground for Divorce?

The position cannot be determined merely by showing that a spouse frequently uses a phone or plays online games.

It is necessary to assess how seriously the conduct has affected the marriage and whether the marriage has irretrievably broken down.

4. Must I Agree if My Spouse Asks Me to Guarantee Their Debt?

No.

Marriage does not require you to sign a guarantee or financing document. Once signed, the document may create separate and substantial legal liability.

You should first understand its terms and the worst possible consequences.

5. Can I Object if My Spouse Regularly Gives Their Income to Their Family of Origin?

Spouses may support their respective parents. However, if the arrangement affects the household, children or joint debts, it should be discussed openly.

Professional advice may be appropriate where property, financing or legal liability is involved.

6. Does Consulting a Matrimonial Lawyer Mean That I Have Decided to Divorce?

No.

A legal consultation may simply help you understand the risks involving the children, property, debts and available options. The decision whether to continue the marriage or commence legal proceedings remains with the client after understanding the circumstances.

Conclusion

Maintaining a marriage is not a task completed on the wedding day. It requires choices to be made again every day.

Do not allow a secret relationship, mobile phone, work, games, an inflexible mindset, family of origin or undisclosed debt to gradually replace your spouse and children in your life.

Many marriages do not end suddenly. They gradually lose their connection through repeated neglect, concealment and avoidance.

The earlier the problem is recognised, the greater the opportunity to make a clear and informed decision.

Head Office — Larkin, Johor Bahru
Address: No. 34-01, Jalan Idaman 2, Taman Larkin Idaman, 80350 Larkin, Johor
Tel: 07-226 6533 / 07-224 2277
Fax: 07-223 7722
WhatsApp: 016-788 9176
Email: william.lim@wfpartners.com.my

Second Branch — Southkey, Johor Bahru
Address: C-3-28, Block C, Pusat Komersial Bayu Tasek, Persiaran Southkey 1, 80150 Johor Bahru, Johor
Tel: 07-287 7925
Email: florence.toh@wfpartners.com.my

Third Branch — Nusa Jaya Mas, Skudai
Address: 15A, Jalan NJM 1/1, Taman Nusa Jaya Mas, 81300 Skudai, Johor
Tel: 07-559 2883
Mobile / WhatsApp: 016-800 6743
Email: william.lim@wfpartners.com.my
Website: https://wfnpartners.com/

Disclaimer

This article is intended solely for general public awareness. It does not constitute legal advice for any specific matter and does not mean that divorce is necessarily required whenever any situation described in this article occurs.

The facts, evidence, financial circumstances and applicable law may differ in every marriage. Before taking legal action, formal advice should be obtained from a qualified lawyer.

For professional legal advice or further information, please visit our official website: 👉 www.wfnpartners.com